Sunday, March 18, 2012

Really Mean Instructions for Changing a Baby's Diaper

STEP 1     Sweet fucking, fuck. Fill up a vagina without taking any consideration for birth control.  
STEP 2     Poop out a baby.

STEP 3     Slide your hillbilly hand down the back of your baby's alleged shit holding diaper. Feel around for shit without being a pervert about it. (Assuming the more competent parent has pre-diapered the baby, and she is now at BINGO, and you are up to your elbows in shit.) If you find shit, continue to STEP 4; Only wet-wait 'til she gets home.

STEP 4     Gently pull back the Velcro-sticky tabby thingies, HOLD ON FUCKFACE this isn't a Christmas present, this is potentially a shit grenade full of shit! Even more gently, remove the diaper from the baby, and dispose of it properly, don't leave it laying around your house it doesn't belong on the floor or on the couch, now go back to dealing with Screamy McShithole.

STEP 5     Hose down the areas with baby wipes. Apply any necessary creams as needed in accordance with standard baby rashes etc. BABY POWDER?! You dumb FUCK! It is two thousand and fucking twelve!!! Baby powder in the air will choke a fucking baby. If you don't want to get choked in fucking prison, don't choke your baby!

STEP 6     HEY SERIOUSLY! Don't choke that baby.

STEP 7     Gently again, cannot stress gently enough you fucking moron, but seriously grab that little idiot by the legs, lift his ass in the air and slide a fresh diaper under his little bum.

STEP 8     Make sure the front is front and the back is back, if you can't figure this out, diapers are labeled now because of idiots like you.

STEP 9     Hey 'member those fucking fasteners from before. Do the opposite of how you took them off. And if you still need these instructions and haven't just started doing this on your own, your kid will probably never learn to read.

STEP 10     There now go back to getting drunk and playing HALO.

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