Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Really Mean Instructions for the Easter Bunny

  1. The Easter Bunny is YOU.
  2. Don't panic. 
    • Keep your clothes on, and don't murder your parents. It's just a customary lie that you are about to perpetuate with your own little bastards. So get ready for a Happy Easter you perpetuating prick. 
  3. Buy something...any old fucking thing will do, can you still get toys at the gas station? Do it! 
    • If the dollar store is on your way home, it's all good on Easter! Easter Presents must have no value to your child in any way whatsoever.
  4. Except-if you are crazy poor/don't spend any quality time with your child- then make sure you buy crazy extravagant Easter Presents such as as flat screen playstation, or high definition bicycles that surely put you in debt. 
    • The Easter Bunny is notorious for making horrible decisions. Always.
  5. Hide that shit. Doesn't matter where, nobody wants this shitty kite anyways. 
    • And yes in spite of what your wife will say, hide the discount chocolate eggs in the couch. (The Easter Bunny is notorious for making horrible decisions. Always.)
  6. Instruct your children to search for the sub-par treasures that you have poorly hidden, but be sure to mention that Jesus is more important than the Easter Bunny
    • Direct all Easter-Bunny/Jesus relation questions to the nearest "child friendly" priest.
  7. The Easter Bunny is YOU. The Easter Bunny is super fucking notorious for making horrible decisions. Always.

Saturday, March 31, 2012

Really Mean Instructions for Pop Tarts

  1. Open up your box of 'Pop Tarts' like a human and/or monkey. 
    • Whatever gets  the job done, just don't be a dick about it! 
  2. Toss 2 P-Tarts into the toaster, no not fucking horizontally, put the shorter side in first so you fuck grab it when pops the fuck back up! 
    • Length IS important when your talking about tarts.
  3. Slow down and get ready to make some decisions. 
    • This may take several pop tarts but you want to find the toaster heat sweet spot within the first few tarts instead of spending you entire bullshit life eating subpar bullshit tarts.  If you're going to do that you might as well just buy fucking "o\no-name toaster pops" from the homeless bin for poor people. 
  4. Wait for P-Tarts to pop. 
  5. Turn off smoke detector or fan using a tea towel or pot holder. 
  6. Assuming you put in the proper amount of effort simply enjoy your well deserved official corporate branded Pop-Tart brand toaster treat. 
  7. If you haven't put any effort in to the popping of your tarts, you might as well not enjoy your pop-tart and just wipe you ass with it, because now it is no better than a square of toilet paper.  

Sunday, March 25, 2012

Really Mean Instructions for Small Cereal Boxes

STEP 1     Open top by pressing in top perforations.

STEP 2     Feel like a stupid idiot because you are one! You can’t press in those top perforations! Get a fucking knife! Now your cereal is crushed. 

STEP 3     Get a fresh box.  Carefully cut along the suggested (but not really perforated), lines on the face of the box. It forms a capital letter “I”, if that helps. Duh.

STEP 4     Peel back sensually. 

STEP 5     Using the same knife, cut open the cereal bag you’ve discovered inside. Oh wait, it’s already full of holes because you perforated the cardboard to deeply. Obviously add very little milk and eat practically dry. 

STEP 6     Grow the fuck up and stop eating out of cardboard boxes like a cat-befriending hobo! Step-Go Fuck Yourself and open the top of the box pour it into a little bowl and eat it like a human being with a job. 

STEP 8     If you do not understand Step 6, get a fucking job.

Sunday, March 18, 2012

Really Mean Instructions for Changing a Baby's Diaper

STEP 1     Sweet fucking, fuck. Fill up a vagina without taking any consideration for birth control.  
STEP 2     Poop out a baby.

STEP 3     Slide your hillbilly hand down the back of your baby's alleged shit holding diaper. Feel around for shit without being a pervert about it. (Assuming the more competent parent has pre-diapered the baby, and she is now at BINGO, and you are up to your elbows in shit.) If you find shit, continue to STEP 4; Only wet-wait 'til she gets home.

STEP 4     Gently pull back the Velcro-sticky tabby thingies, HOLD ON FUCKFACE this isn't a Christmas present, this is potentially a shit grenade full of shit! Even more gently, remove the diaper from the baby, and dispose of it properly, don't leave it laying around your house it doesn't belong on the floor or on the couch, now go back to dealing with Screamy McShithole.

STEP 5     Hose down the areas with baby wipes. Apply any necessary creams as needed in accordance with standard baby rashes etc. BABY POWDER?! You dumb FUCK! It is two thousand and fucking twelve!!! Baby powder in the air will choke a fucking baby. If you don't want to get choked in fucking prison, don't choke your baby!

STEP 6     HEY SERIOUSLY! Don't choke that baby.

STEP 7     Gently again, cannot stress gently enough you fucking moron, but seriously grab that little idiot by the legs, lift his ass in the air and slide a fresh diaper under his little bum.

STEP 8     Make sure the front is front and the back is back, if you can't figure this out, diapers are labeled now because of idiots like you.

STEP 9     Hey 'member those fucking fasteners from before. Do the opposite of how you took them off. And if you still need these instructions and haven't just started doing this on your own, your kid will probably never learn to read.

STEP 10     There now go back to getting drunk and playing HALO.

Thursday, March 15, 2012

Really Mean Instructions for Using Dandruff Shampoo

STEP 1     Take your stupid hand and squeeze your dandruff        shampoo bottle into your other even more stupid hand, stupid…stupid….

STEP 2     Work shampoo into your filthy fucking hand (for fuck sake don’t just squirt it on your head, like a baby monkey who’s never seen shampoo before in it’s life.) 

STEP 3     THEN massage into wet hair, that’s right you have to wet your mother fucking hair, wet it first and massage into that itchy bowl of cornflakes you call a scalp.

STEP 4     Now you’ve got some flake soup floating around your head: Rise it, keep rinsing till it’s gone and if you happen to be one of these dirty fuck who’s still a dirty fuck after the first whatever…repeat.

STEP 5     You want the best results Mr. Fancy McShit-Pants? Wellll…..For best results, use at least 2 times a week or as directed by a doctor. Oooo La tEE dA, why don’t you just use it like a fucking normal person.