Saturday, March 31, 2012

Really Mean Instructions for Pop Tarts

  1. Open up your box of 'Pop Tarts' like a human and/or monkey. 
    • Whatever gets  the job done, just don't be a dick about it! 
  2. Toss 2 P-Tarts into the toaster, no not fucking horizontally, put the shorter side in first so you fuck grab it when pops the fuck back up! 
    • Length IS important when your talking about tarts.
  3. Slow down and get ready to make some decisions. 
    • This may take several pop tarts but you want to find the toaster heat sweet spot within the first few tarts instead of spending you entire bullshit life eating subpar bullshit tarts.  If you're going to do that you might as well just buy fucking "o\no-name toaster pops" from the homeless bin for poor people. 
  4. Wait for P-Tarts to pop. 
  5. Turn off smoke detector or fan using a tea towel or pot holder. 
  6. Assuming you put in the proper amount of effort simply enjoy your well deserved official corporate branded Pop-Tart brand toaster treat. 
  7. If you haven't put any effort in to the popping of your tarts, you might as well not enjoy your pop-tart and just wipe you ass with it, because now it is no better than a square of toilet paper.  

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